Ok, Do you REALLY want to know?

So I woke up this morning and was laying in bed with my almost 5-year-old daughter listening to my iPod. Her first request was the song “Man in the Mirror” by Michael Jackson. This one was really funny because she sang the chorus with the word ‘mustache’ inserted at a part where the words are too fast for her to understand. The next song was “21 Guns”, the Broadway version by Green Day. She loved that one too. She called it "awesome music." Then we listened to “Chicken Fried” by the Zac Brown Band and I was feeling pretty good… you know “Cold beers on a Friday night, a pair of jeans that fits just right, and the radio on…” Very up-beat.

Then I picked “Landslide,” the Dixie Chicks version, and that’s when it fell apart for me. See, this week has been really hard for me and I can’t quite figure out why. I’m not PMS, nothing bad has happened, things are going along just fine. But for some reason this morning it all seemed to hit me. I’ve loved this song for a long time. When I was living in Ohio I actually went to a Dixie Chicks concert with two of the women I love most in the world to this day; and I really don't even LIKE country music. But today, for some reason, listening to these words with my little girl brought me more than I expected...

“Oh mirror in the sky

What is Love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail thru the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing

‘Cause I’ve built my life around you

But time makes your bolder

Children get older

I’m getting older too...”

I mean I was weeping! Josephine: “Is this a sad song Mommy?” Me: “No” J: “Then why are you crying?” Me: “Because sometimes that’s just what you do.” But I really didn’t have a good answer for her. And I still don’t. Maybe it was the reference to the seasons of my life, or children getting older, but really I think it’s the notion of building a life around someone else that hit me hardest.

So far this blog has focused on our family and the funny things we do. But, there are so many other parts of our family life that aren’t as much fun; there are lots of parts that are really hard for all of us. Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in diapers, preschool and play dates. Like I’ve lost parts of myself, parts that made me different, that made me, ME. And then my little boy takes my face in his hands and turns it towards him and lays his forehead on mine and looks me right in the eye and says “pizza.” Or my little girl gets out of bed and leaves the room only to return with two pieces of tissue, “one for your eyes and one for your nose.” And during those little precious moments, the sacrifice feels worth it.

But make no mistake, most of the time being a mother is very hard. Maybe no harder than being a father or any other life-consuming role, but this is my blog so this is my perspective. I love my children and my husband more than anything in the whole world, but I’m still looking for balance, and for something else in life that will help me round out my days and make a difference in the world. Suggestions are always welcome.

Thanks for listening. J